Numb

The moment you hear the voicemail message you never expected is stained in your memory. Even though my smartphone wasn’t acting smart and I lost the message. It was still playing in my mind. ” Hi Ms. Joiner, your MRI results showed no distinct differences with your original lesions. However he did see some new conspicuous lesions, so he wants you to continue your medication as prescribed and redo your MRI with and without contrast in six months. If you have any questions please call. Thank you.” I have had those words playing over and over in my head since Friday afternoon. After five years with no significant changes I was surprised to hear I have “new conspicuous lesions”. Conspicuous lesions, what does that even mean? How many are there? Where are they? How will this affect my daily life? Should I be freaking out or remain calm?

All I can do is pray and live my life to the fullest. I refuse to allow myself to panic, but I will admit I am numb. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. For the first time I am scared I will wake up one morning and not be able to move or think like I am used to.  I may be overthinking this, which I hope I am. All I know to do is be proactive and work towards being able to maintain and improve my health. I refuse to give in to Multiple Sclerosis. I have too much left to do and live for. Besides everyone is different and my new conspicuous lesions could be gone in six months or never have any effect on me.

The reality is MS changed my life five years ago and will continue to have an impact on me for the rest of my days. With that being said I plan to be the best me I possibly can be and never give up fighting. The truth is I won’t give up or give in to this silent monster. I plan on being Victorious. I remember telling MS it was evicted from my mind and body and I meant that. So it will not get the victory today. I will take my time and be nervous and worried but I won’t wallow in fear and sadness. I won’t be defeated. Not today, tomorrow, or next week. I am standing firm in the promises of my Father! I am healed! I am victorious! I am a miracle!

 

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