The Process

Sitting here in my office listening to all the noise outside of my door. I remember after learning of my diagnosis feeling empty inside, like I had stepped into a black hole. The feeling didn’t last long but the noise around me brought me comfort. It was as if listening to others argue about nothing helped me cope. I felt crazy, angry, hurt and disappointed all at once. For at least one week I was in a state of one long Anxiety attack. I would put on a mask to leave the house and go to work, church, or to the grocery store, because you never know who you are going to see or meet. At home or in my car I could cry and yell at God.  It was odd yelling at Him brought me closer to Him. It was part of my healing process. It kept me sane and moving forward. During this time life didn’t stop and relationships changed. Looking back I am thankful for this. I know who my core is and what I mean to them as well as what they mean to me.  My family isn’t just by blood but it’s through love as well. Fast forward to today and I am doing well living my life day by day. Of course, every day isn’t great but with help I’ve learned how to cope with those bad days and breathe. Sometimes I still experience anxiety attacks, but I don’t freak out, instead I take the time to breathe, sneak away from the noise and reflect. The people that I have lost or rather that have fallen by the wayside over the past five years aren’t missed instead I think of them as catalysts for my change.  Of course, I have soreness, aches, pains, memory lapses, brain farts and occasional vision issues, but that’s minor compared to the person I’ve grown into. I’m not faking strength. I am strong, independent, loyal, and unapologetic. So, in other words, MS, didn’t win. No matter what any medical report says, I am a Conqueror,  I’m stronger than MS, and every step I take is a step in Victory.  This journey isn’t for the faint. It hasn’t been easy, but I am grateful for each trial that has come my way over the past five years. They have shaped into the woman I am today and I love me.

I remember my first neurologist saying, ” You have relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis and I don’t think you are going to be able those heels anymore. ”  I laughed, and said ” sorry I don’t any flats. I rebuke that.” He looked at me like I was crazy, but I was serious. To this day I still wear heels, much to the chagrin of my family and friends.  I do own and wear flats and tennis shoes now, mush to my chagrin. Changes are inevitable but are no longer embraced with a battle, instead I accept change with open arms. Of course, my stubbornness does fight sometimes but usually I concede for my well being.  I say all of this to say accepting change is a gift and often means a new door, opportunity is just around the corner, awaiting you.

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